Along the way as we try to avoid life’s circumstance we sometimes tend to walk right into another, knowing or not that we are headed that way… life happens. But there has always been a part of me that knew God was in control, and even as I refused to acknowledge Him, He never failed to come to my rescue when I cried out for Him.
So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them.For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”
Now a single mother and not knowing how or why my life had fallen apart, I became determined to persevere, and that motivation came from my two little girls. Because of them I had no choice but to be fierce, but at night when my little angels were sound asleep, I felt lonesome and hurt. But this pain made me angry enough to gain the courage I needed to pick myself up, dust off what I couldn’t change, and start from scratch and I moved to a new state.
In my determination, I refused to look back even though my heart cried out. I became like a clown, I smiled on the outside letting no one know of my anguish, killing in in the inside. In my effort of being this tough person, who had it all together and suffered not, I became vulnerable and this was probably one of my greatest flaws. Because of my loneliness I was open to the ultimate lie of all times. I became pregnant with my third child from a married man. It was not until my seventh month of pregnancy that through a mutual friend I found out he had a family and lived right down the street from me. It was devastating, but not because of me it was for this woman, his wife. I had become a part of something I would have never been part of, an infidelity.
Eventually to avoid the chaos, I once again moved away and there I gave birth to a beautiful caramel skin color baby girl. Twenty-four hours later, I was told she was deaf from one ear, and I looked at my baby and whispered, “You have ten little toes and ten little fingers; the rest I can work with… ”. And I fell in love with her even more and asked God for guidance. Not knowing that once again, my life was about to be turned upside down….
Three weeks later my daughter had the first of seven surgeries. For months I was unable to hold my baby, I was only able to watch her as she was connected to a ventilator and many other machines. I wouldn’t even dare touch her for fear of disconnecting something. And to make matters worse, the doctor said it would be a miracle if she made it to her second month.
But days passed and she was recovering, but because I had been in the hospital all this time, I was evicted from my apartment and had to send my girls back home, leaving me homeless, away from my little girls and with my baby in the NICU. Then as wonderful as God is a social worker, some doctors and nurses arranged for us to be flown back to where I had ran away from, because there her chances of survival were greater. She was flown to Texas Children’s Hospital. Throughout our stay there, babies around us were passing away so fast I didn’t have a chance to react. And although this scared the life out of me, my daughter made it passed her second month.
Finally my baby came home. She had nurses round the clock, therapist working with her and medical personnel tending to her every need. She learned to breathe on her own by the time her first birthday came around, She didn’t sit up on her own until about 16 months, she fed through a G-tube until she was 4 years old, but every step she took was a momentous occasion in my home and in my heart, I underestimated God and once again He revealed His ability to make the worst into the best, of any situation.. Yet I lived in doubt until I saw her scars heal and her little legs which weren’t supposed to move, allowed her to walk. Then I understood that there was more to God’s plan for my daughter then just an ordinary birth date.
In time it all fell into place, my mind began to understand what my heart was beginning to accept. I legally changed her name to “Genesis”, the first book of the bible because she was the beginning of a wonderful new life. Today I remind her that she was sent here with a broken wing to prove that miracle still do happen and to demonstrate God’s love, grace and favor while healing her broken wing right before our eyes.
In, Matthew 7:7, it is clear what we should do “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” This verse has become one of God’s most assertive ways of letting me know I am not alone in my troubles. But most lovely of it all, is to see my daughter understand that she has a purpose and to hear her tell me about this purpose is priceless, “Mom, I know why I am hard of hearing….. It’s because Jesus speaks to me through that ear, He’s also told me I am special and will do special things”.
I know my daughter’s presence has caused much heartache and I pray for these hearts while not holding unto any resentment for their feelings. But, nothing under the sun occurs without God’s approval, through our mistakes He makes extraordinary things happen, not faulting us but loving us unconditionally and correcting us through memorable event. I cannot apologize for her being here, because she has been a true blessing in my life and will be in someone else’s one day. She’s truly a miracle and even though her beginning was a rough one, God has ways of making the most difficult times, into a feast of joy.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.