This morning I woke up, drank some coffee and sat at my desk to do homework, strangely my camera came on and I snapped a picture of me. As I looked at myself I realized I looked nothing like I did twenty, thirty years ago, nor am I who I was twenty, thirty years ago. I’ve gained weight, my hair is not as shiny as it used to be. I now have freckles and two or three wrinkles. I am no longer as youthful as I was and honestly I don’t feel as youthful as I did twenty, thirty years ago.
However; as I stared at my picture I began to realize that as days pass and gotten older I’ve always had a choice, of looking back on my life and loving it while being grateful or looking back and being full of resentment for the life that I lived. For a while I will not deny I choose resentment, yet it wasn’t towards the people who hurt me or the circumstances I was in, but towards myself for allowing it to happened. I thought I had it all figured out, all under control yet soon enough I would find out I didn’t.
My yester-years is what I call my past, certain episodes of my life sectioned off into mini-series, that I could play back in my mind whenever I want to reminisce. As I go through memory lane there are many days to be grateful for and plenty others I wish I had amnesia for.
Yet, no matter what season I was in, I was being taken care of, I was being loved and guided by God. He didn’t allow me to go astray, yet He allowed me to wander for as far as I pleased yet always holding fast to my heart. It turned out that no matter where I went or how far I drifted from God’s presence I was always going to remain who I am; He wasn’t willing to allow me to lose my identity, because He had a plan for me. No matter how many years pass, He watched over me not allowing me to get lost in the midst of the chaos in my life, because it wouldn’t fit the story I would one day tell. I would not be ashamed of what I look like, because He made sure he instilled in my heart dignity, because in His plan I would be royalty.
Yes, I experienced moments of disillusions, shattered dreams, ripped from me desires, but I would never be embarrassed of who I’ve become, because He had a plan for me and wiped clean anything that wasn’t a reflection of Him. Surprisingly, at this point I still had not acknowledged Him.
Nonetheless, after all these trials and tribulations I am able to look at myself in the mirror and appreciate every scar in my heart, every memory I hold dear and every struggle I’ve endured, because somewhere in all of it, God had a plan. He has never made clear what exactly His plan was with me, yet it’s better I not know, for my heart is filled with enough joy knowing I had no sense of direction. Yet I was triumphant in every milestone I conquered, because His plan included victory.
Today I look at myself and see that I have grown in many ways, but the most important growth in my life has been my spiritual growth. In the process I was taught to look at myself in the mirror and accept the person I have become. No matter where I was yesterday, where I stand today and where I will be tomorrow, I will love and accept who I’ve become for the story I own is unique to any other with the privilege of being able to look in the mirror and say, “Hello Yohani, you are fearfully and wonderfully made”, and that alone is an incredible honor.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well