Me, Myself & I

For many years my life has been the main topic in almost every family gathering, “When are going to bring a man with you?”, “Why don’t you try speed dating?”, “You’re aren’t getting younger you know, so you can’t be picky.”, “Go sit at Starbucks or something”. One of my nephews even went as far as to tell me that for Christmas he was going to create an “eHarmony” account, adding, “Tia, you need a man”. I’ve heard preachings on waiting on my Boaz and accepting that I may be single for a purpose. But, being the hopeless romantic I’ve always been, I  believe that at the right time I will come face to face with my other half, but there’s been three things standing in the way of this becoming a realization, me, myself and I.

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1 Peter 5:6, says
“Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God,
that he may exalt you in due time”.

The “Me” wasn’t ready to submit to God or anyone else. For as long as I could remember I’ve done it all on my own. Why should I have to submit? When my husband left me, with my two little girls, I remember sitting by the window crying, as my youngest of only six months began to whine, and my oldest tried feeding her the bottle. I looked at them and thought that one day my pain could become their burden, so I picked my little one up and sat the other one by my side and sang to them, until they fell asleep and I said to them, “From now on, it’s us three against the world.” And I thought to myself, I will never ever depend on a man again.”

And it was then that this new strong and determined mentality was born. Yet not aware that this new way of thinking would be what kept me from who could save me, because from the moment I unknowingly refused God, I rejected anything that would come from Him. I was angry for the failing of my marriage, I was abandon by the man who promised to love me, and it was God’s fault. But it took a second marriage to a man who knew very little about his role as a husband and his living up to his marriage vows for me to come back to whom I should have gone to in the first place.

Instead of submitting to the unconditional love that God was offering me I was running from it. I was denying myself and my girls the beauty of living in submission to God. I was pushing back all the things He had waiting for me. Yet, He patiently waited and received me when I decided to come home. One New Year’s Eve as my daughters and I said what we looked forward to in the new year, I said, “My New Year’s resolution is to be more like the woman of, Proverbs 31”. What I really meant was, “God, I am so far from what you want me to be, and my way hasn’t worked, so please help me!” I’ve never denied being stubborn, I just didn’t like admitting it. My stubbornness kept me from His grace. How can I possibly be blessed beyond what I believe, if I’m refusing to do one of the things He is asking of me?

The “Myself”, had her own standards and I would live by them regardless. Having to face life alone with my little girls meant, I had to be tough. I couldn’t allow another man to take me for a fool. I needed to grow a backbone and that I did. I had my very own expectations and I wasn’t willing to put them aside for any one. I knew what I wanted and wasn’t settling for anything less. But little did I know that I was becoming a slave to my own stupidity and ways while setting my expectations on the temporal and superficial. I do not think having standards is necessarily a bad thing, the bad thing is basing them on your own emotions, because those too can change.Trust-in-the-Lord-Proverbs-3-5-6-2

How can I truly understand what is meant for me, if all I have come to believe is that I was not worthy of being someone’s exclusive? How can I come to accept that my worth is beyond anything I could imagine, if my worth was measured by the love of someone who didn’t love me back? So, my own standards got me where I was, instead of allowing God to lead me to the man who would love and honor me, I decided to be led by my own heart. This doesn’t mean our love wasn’t real, it means we put us before God.

The “I” needed no one. Needing no one became the motto I lived by, I will never want anything form anyone. But there was a bigger problem then the three I’ve mentioned, I didn’t need anyone, but my heart wanted someone, and that is a big difference. I lived making sure that every area of my life was taken care of for the sake of my babies. They were clothed, fed and safe and nothing else mattered. I didn’t ask for anyone for anything. Me being stubborn was working for my girls, but each night that I went to bed I felt empty and while I fought it off by making myself believe I had all I needed, my heart told me different. I would live blind to the wonderful truth of living in submission to God, until I recognized that He had the best in stored for me. That submitting to Him actually made me free from my own self, who kept me captive of my own deteriorating heart.41kjjsUEmoL._SL500_AC_SS350_In my mind my way of life was justified, but as a believer, my heart knew my standards should come from God. The reality was that my standards were nonexistent, I didn’t know how to tell one from the other, my standards were based on the Me, Myself and I, not God’s. So now, I was setting guidelines based on what I knew, safeguarding myself to no longer be anyone’s fool, instead I became my own fool. Stumbling plenty of times until exhausted and realizing that the very standards I created to shield my three selves were pointless, for what God wanted for my life embraced all of me.

The absence of God in my life was minimizing everything I was, through Him. My stubbornness was creating a monster that was destroying my true purpose, not of being single forever, but of living a life of fulfillment, with a daily submerging of happiness. Living a life that wasn’t falling apart, it was actually beginning to fall into place. Yet denying my heart to submit to God’s will was keeping me from receiving the desires of my heart and the many other wonderful things He’s prepared for me.

New York Autumn - Central Park - Sunset

New York Autumn – Central Park – Sunset

So, being single isn’t a lonely status after all, it’s like a walk in Central Park, looking into the sunset as the sun fades away within the trees, I may not see the sun much longer yet its there and I know it, and look forward to it each morning. Its preparing my heart for the one person who will love, “Me, Myself and I” because his, “Me, Myself and I”, is also waiting on me.

And as I wait for my heart is led to my varon, this man God has set aside for me, He prepares me. He places on my tongue the words that will encourage him each day, instilling in my heart the desire to love him as he needs to be loved, while creating of me the answer to his prayers. And as our lives compliment each other, we find in the one other the one who complete us both and makes us one, God.

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