Without fail every minute beginning at 6:00 a.m. counts like no other time of the day. Alex getting a head start at 5:30 a.m. while I pray, but at 6:00 a.m. when my alarm goes off the clock starts ticking as if it was a race, but this morning was different because this morning we are at risk of missing her bus.
A week day morning routine that if slightly detour from could set us off for the rest of the day.
5:30 a.m.: Alex’s alarm goes off, she gets up starts her teenage morning ritual of getting ready.
6:00 a.m.: My alarm goes off by then she’s back in bed and we snooze for 5 minutes.
6:05 a.m.: Alex gets out of bed and into the bathroom, I remain in bed until she gets out. Believe me it takes me no time to get ready for work.
6:10 a.m.: She walks back in turns on Pastor Charles Stanley and I get out of bed and into the bathroom.
6:25 a.m.: Pastor Charles Stanley end his morning message a signal to turn the coffee pot on and indicator that we have 10 minutes left.
We must be out the house no later than 6:35 a.m., but this morning, nothing goes as usual. Coffee pot brewing as if it was making an eight-cup pot of coffee, my make-up not coming together, can’t find the hair brush, but we need to leave. On our way to her bus stop two school buses turned their lights on, this is why we needed to leave by 6:35 a.m. Every possible traffic light turned red and finally, as I’m trying to take a short cut, an 18-wheeler, which we’ve never seen in the past five years taking this same route happened to block my turn, and I come to a realization.
I look over at Alex and said, “Alex, this is actually how life is, you will always run into obstacles trying to block from you getting to that somewhere you’re heading to. Our job is to not lose it, trying to figure out how to get rid of it, instead we are to remain focused and find a way to get around it. This is why prayer is important.” She looks at me and smiles.
After dropping her off, I realize, there’s been many obstacles in my life keeping me from moving forward. Not always do we understand why these obstacles are present, perhaps it’s not meant for us to always know; but knowing we must not allow ourselves to be kept from continuing our journey, is vital.
I look back at my journey as a single mother and realize that there have been many obstacles, some I’ve placed there myself and others were just there as a distraction. Sometimes I’ve become angry at myself for allowing these things to keep me from moving forward. Other times, I’ve thanked God for them, because they’ve serviced as an experience for towards my journey.
Recently, my eldest daughter Mey-lin decided it was time for a woman to woman talk. For some reason every time these conversations occur I’m driving and honestly, I feel it’s a setup to keep me from running. She began to ask me about “Me”, as a woman, no longer as her mother. She wanted to know how I was feeling as that person I was way before they came along, and while it felt weird it also felt nice because for a long time that woman in me was in mommy mode forgetting who she was many moons ago. Yet, I looked at her and thought to myself, “ Why am I having this conversation with my baby girl?” and as if she could read my mind she said, “Mami, I’m a grown woman now, a wife and mother.”, I looked at her, laughed and said, “Who the heck are you! I want my daughter back, give her back now!” and we laughed, and she then replied, “Mami, I’m being serious.” And the conversation of course got serious and then she asked the million-dollar question, “Is there anything in your life you regret?”
I looked forward at the street lights and in a split second, my life flashed before me, creating in my chest a whirlpool of emotions I then smiled and turned to her and replied, “No, there is not a single thing I regret, but there is something I wish I’ve done differently, I wish I had finished school.”, “I will never regret your father because he is the love of my life and I will always love him. I will never regret you guys because you’ve been my strength and inspiration and I will never regret being the parent I’ve been because you’ve all turned out to be pretty good girls…. All I regret is not going to college earlier on”.
I won’t deny I’ve looked back at my life many times, yet I’m not sure I could have done anything different with what I had and knew. But I have realized that many of these things that have kept me from my destination, have served as a platform to be able to look back and be grateful for where I am today. I don’t believe God allows us to roam this beautiful earth in utter confusion due to our own shortcomings, going through the things we do just for Him to sit back and watch, His purpose is always serviced somehow and somewhere.
I may find myself somewhat confused at times of where I am supposed to be headed towards, but during my journey I’m to give back what was placed in my heart. I’m supposed to serve others less fortunate and have compassion for those who feel unloved. My journey may had been one with many obstacles, but it’s been filled with so much to give back. Perhaps someone needs to know of the burdens I’ve carried and hear of the scars that’s healed, to reflect on their journey and overcome their obstacles. Perhaps my journey has created in me the person I’m meant to be for the sake of another, and if in my walk I am a blessing to one other person than I’ve done what I was meant to do.
So, as many traffic lights come on, count your blessings. As many school buses steal your time, be grateful for that time because its a moment that never comes back, and for as long as an 18-wheeler blocks your path, pray and thank God for that moment you’re halted, for you may never know if this block may be keeping you from something worse then missing your child’s school bus.
Happy New Year!
P.S. After many years, of wishing I’ve done different, I finally did, I will graduate in the summer of 2019 with a bachelor. It’s never too late to do different what you wished you’ve done differently.